The Quarterly Fertility Blaaaaaaahg

So I have been obsessed since last weekend with reading blogs of women who can't get pregnant and honestly it is not healthy for me. I get so panicky and down, it really throws me off. There are a few who got pregnant out of nowhere, the old fashion way, and as happy as I am for them, it makes me wonder if it could happen to me again. They seem to place no value on God, or it being miraculous, which just amazes me. Can you really have that happen and not totally know it is a blessing from God, a true miracle? Anyway its on my mind constantly and in prayers always, but the desperation that I had before Lauren just isn't there, which then gets me all worked up like I don't want it bad enough to be helped. Or I'm not doing this or that so the blessing will be withheld. I drive myself INSANE! I try hard not to talk about it all the time, but seriously if I don't release some of this right now my head may explode.
My body seems to be in tip top condition, no hot flashes, no well any menopause symptoms, so I told my doctor and he agreed I shouldn't take the estrogen, I don't want to be stuck on pills when in some crazy way my body is compensating, even though blood tests show its not. Which completely makes me think back to a blessing Ryan gave me and said I was healed. Sooooo, see this is why I have to get this stuff out because it helps me remember things....could I be healed and it not show in the medical world? Am I just on the Lord's time table?
I did get blood drawn yesterday though to see where my progesterone levels are, because I have no monthly cycles, weird little thing there.
But I have two names picked out, a girl and a boy, I feel like they are my kids. I want to meet them, I hope I get them. Otherwise "Hey Jules I got great names for my grandkids"...yeah she'll love that!