The Last Days of Summer

This is the last week our pool is open so we have to go everyday! It is hard for me, when it is only 83 degrees for the high, that isn't swimming weather to me, so we freeze a little, but I'm sure when there is snow outside these memories will seem very warm! Thankfully the pools are heated so when we're in the water it is actually very nice! Lauren is just adorable in the pool! She splashes and kicks and then laughs her little baby laugh. I adore holding her in the water, I keep thinking next year she'll be so big! Julia is our little fish, as long as her floaty is around her waist. She had a blast jumping in the big pool, and mastered plugging her nose. She likes it when I splash her and do motorboat.

I've been scrapbooking and sewing. Attempted a pumpkin pillow and it turned out butt-ugly! Julia loves it though, so all's well that ends well. Went to Enrichment last night, it was on preparedness. I feel like we're doing well in that area. We got 2 big water barrels for water, just need to put water in them, don't know how we'll ever move them once they're full. Sunday was stake conference, which we lasted 90 minutes, yay us! The first speaker was just incredible! He addressed what makes one successful, he said you find success inspite of fame and fortune, not because of it. The greatest choices in life are between good and evil, not fame and obscurity, wealth and poverty. Satan's tool is distraction. I get distracted ALL THE TIME! Every change of season has me wanting new clothes, wanting to put Julia in classes, wanting to do home improvement projects, it is never ending. Also I hear everything through "wanting to be able to have another baby" ears, so what I have taken away from that talk is that I need to do more good, more scripture study, prayers, better FHE. I need to stop worrying about the worldly things that come and go, stop wondering about the unknowns in life, and really really focus on faith, charity, and humility. Another talk I heard recently had a good quote, " Satan doesn't care if you think highly of yourself or if you think little of yourself, he just wants you thinking about YOURSELF". Time to do less thinking about myself, trust the Lord and DO some good. Maybe I can be accountable here, that will give me some incentive to report what good I've done. Better start with the scriptures! Now I'm kind of excited. Oh, and we're feeding the missionaries tonight, so that's good right?
So with this change of season will come a change of attitude. YAY!

Rearranging

the furniture! YAY! I love doing this! I haven't done it for a long time, there weren't many options in our last house, but here I found a new shwang to things and we all love it! Makes the house feel way bigger! I started yesterday, turned on Dean Martin All Time Greatest Hits and gave the girls rides on the couches as I moved them from one corner to the next; one room to the next. Ryan came home and was so surprised. He helped bring up the recliner from the basement today and all feels really really right. I remember my mom doing this a lot when we were little, I always loved how it gave our house a whole new feeling. Still lovin it!!!!
Im excited to watch the Emmy's tomorrow- what a way to ruin the Sabbath I know, but it is a total guilty pleasure. Back in the day I hated that the first day of school was always the Monday after the Emmy's, I always tried to go to bed early so I would end up missing the end of the show. SOOOO glad Im not in school anymore!!!!!

Girls' Just Wanna Have Fun!

It was Julia's last dance class and they got to get all dolled up to dance and sing to Girls' Just Wanna Have Fun. OH MY GOODNESS! This little Cindy Lauper was BORN to do just that! She shook her hips and head and was all over the place looking in the mirror the whole time, just LOVIN life! It was seriously the cutest thing I have seen her do in... well about 2 days. She just has me smiling and laughing all the time!! Her dad and sister too!!! We love you so much Julia and especially love that you are YOU!!! The other girls in her class weren't near as animated and excited as she was. She's like her dad when it comes to being excited about life, but she ads a high pitched scream to the mix!
Speaking of girls having FUN! I had a wonderful birthday! Ryan took a half day at work ( a total surprise to me) and we ate all day long! He made me a WONDERFUL cake and even let me have a nap while he and the girls baked. He's just the best! I felt very very spoiled. At night we had our "clique" over, so excited to have some cool friends finally!! The Jones and the Johnsons, its always a ton of laughs. I had to get a picture of me on my birthday- nice, cheesy, luvs it! 28 is feeling pretty good. It'd feel a lot better with a baby growing inside me, but I got a year right? I fought every temptation to take a test yesterday, I thought, "What a great birthday present that would be." Not so great however, if it was negative, which it surely would be. I only have imaginary signs, so I'll wait and torture myself another day.

My Birthday (and a bit of rambling)

I just finished reading this book about a teenager who grew up in Vegas. I think I mentioned it in another blog, anyway it ends with the implosion of the Dunes. Made me remember that little piece of history, its a foggy memory, I mostly remember the cannons being shot from the Treasure Island. Im so glad I grew up in Vegas. So glad I know what its like to walk down the strip and not be enamored by the casinos, but to see them as they really are. So glad to know what that desert heat feels like and know how good it can feel when coming out of a ridiculously freezing cold airconditioned movie theatre. So glad to be a part of that city in such a fundamental way that I couldn't bear the idea of raising my own children their. Maybe everyone feels this way about their hometown, just glad Vegas is mine. Being in this contemplative mood on the day before my birthday has me reflecting on my age, life, time. The Dunes imploded in October 1993, I was a freshman, 15 years old. Now I am about to be 28. My 10 year highschool reunion was this year, ten years ago I was turning 18, about to start UNLV. 28 seems old to me now, I know 28 would have seemed old to 18 year old Chanel, but when I think that the last 10 years have been the BEST of my life, I realize just how young I am and how much life there is to be had. I love that my dreams have come true in the last 10 years. I love that I am married to my absolute best friend, that together we have made two of the most beautiful joyful girls we could have ever imagined, I have the greatest most loyal supportive friends a girl could ever hope for, I live in an idealic American town, and I have a testimony that keeps me close to the Lord who is the reason for all these incredible blessings. What a charmed life I lead, and appreciate it all everyday.

Whadda ya know?

I wish I understood science enough to explain how a rainbow appeared IN OUR KITCHEN! I'm taking it as a very good omen!!!! Isn't it so pretty? Julia first spotted it, and she too just couldn't understand what was going on, she kept wanting to go outside to see the rainbow. I told her over and over that the rainbow was on our ceiling, not outside, but it took a trip out the front door before she would believe me. Must have something to do with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink, but heck what a great reward for NOT doing dishes!

Im addicted to..

* Lauren's baby breath (have been since day 1)
* fresh Colorado peaches ( YUM!)
* taking pictures of the girls (have about 50 to scrapbook and just developed 75) Im outta control!!!
* sensational t.v. media
* my new fancy shampoo (never had such healthy hair!)
* giving my girls lots and lots of kisses
* chocolate ice cream (been trying to do the Soy, but it just doesn't compare to Breyers)
* calling Ryan at work just to give him little insignificant updates on our doings around here
* Days of Our Lives
* thinking about baby names for our future children
* laundry (kind of a have to addiction)
* blogging!!!

Firsts

Julia's 1st day of preschool! Look at this sweetheart!
We got this shirt special for her first day; what says "Want to be friends?" more than a Cinderella shirt? She wanted her finger and toe nails painted too, it was so much fun getting her ready.
She has a wonderful teacher and it is a nice school. They start their day with prayer and say a prayer before their snacks and then end the day with a prayer, I liked that.
They have a kitchen area set up as one center and that was her FAVORITE! She had all the food, dishes, and dolls out in no time at all. She got along great with the other kids and I think she'll make some good friends there. YAY!
She cried when it was time to go home. I assured her we'd be back and it helped that the teacher sang a good-bye song with all the kids. I am really excited to see how she grows in the coming months!

Now this little cutie pie cracks me up!!! This is her "I am soooo excited I can hardly breathe face". USUALLY it is reserved for when she sees me, however on this day Elmo got it. She seriously loves Elmo! This was the first time she's watched him on t.v., but our car has a mirror with him attached that she looks at all the time, so that must be where the love affair started. It amazes me how much both my girls love that furry red monster, and while they're still so little! I love how excited she gets, this big mouth is always followed by the biggest smile. She holds her breath, twirls her feet, and shakes a little when she opens her mouth like that, so funny!!!
On Julia's first day of school Lauren got babysat for the first time. Luckily my RS President was willing to watch her, it worked out so great and I wasn't worried for a second. I thought she would cry when I left but she didn't, guess I better simmer down my ego, huh? I am so happy my girls seem to be such well adjusted kids, they are my pride and joy!

Back in the Swing..

Had one of those awesome CO weekends! Look at this view!! We went to a Rockies game- had to - they were playing my CUBS!! (hence the Wrigley Field shirts). Anyway we were in the nose bleed section (of course! tickets are only 6 bucks there!), but it lends itself to this amazing view of downtown Denver, gorgeous! Ryan and I were in heaven! The girls were soooo good! Julia loves going to the ball game and as far as we can tell Lauren is quite a fan too. We lasted til the 7th inning stretch, I joked our girls will probably grow up to think the game ends when "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" is sung. Ryan is adamant that wherever we live it MUST always be near a MLB stadium, I agree, its good old fashion family fun.
Next day was Castle Rock's 125 year Anniversary Celebration. We went downtown and watched the parade, I tried not to yell out obscenities when the Republicans passed by, it was challenging. Julia got to run and grab a few tootsie rolls that the firemen threw to the crowd, it was so Mayberry, I loved it. We looked at new homes, I don't know why we love doing that, wishful thinking. Its so funny but Julia loves doing it too. When we walk into a model she says, "Do you like this one mom?" If I say "Oh yes", she'll say "Me too!" She loves looking for girl bedrooms and will climb right up on the bed and say, "This is my favorite". After that Ryan had to run into work for a while, a major upset, more for him than me, as he was mad enough for the both of us. But the night ended with sloppy joes and the movie Why We Fight, an excellent movie on war and the business behind Iraq. Thanks for the recommendation Candace! It makes me want to get politically involved in the future even more!! For now I just can't wait for '08!!!

I have a couple projects going on this week that I am excited about... first my favorite thing.. making Julia's Halloween costume!!! I have thought about this for at least a year, I'm making her a blue M&M . For her first Halloween I made her a yellow M&M, so now Lauren is going to be yellow and Julia will be blue, yay!!! I am also working on an article for the Ensign, an idea Dr. Swainston gave me, we'll see.

SO nice to be back in the swing of things. I keep thinking about the saying that the joy of life is in the journey, what a journey even each day is!

PLEASE HELP

HI everyone who read this! I have a great opportunity for ya... A really really good friend of mine in Australia asked me to help with this and I would like to surprise her by getting a few more people here in the states to help. She's only asking for a $2 donation, and it will go so far!

To donate, simply visit the World Vision 40 Hour Famine website ( http://www.40hourfamine.com.au/) and click on "Donate Here". Donations are tax deductible and the minimum amount is $2. You will receive a receipt as soon as you've made the donation. Then click on the first option "I want to make a donation to a 40 Hour Famine participant" and when it asks you for the Famine Number, please enter 670886522. Then click "Check Number" and my name Grace Fitzpatrick should appear below. This makes sure that the donation is recorded against me and that I'm sent a record of your donation. You can also go directly to the donate screen by clicking here: https://famine.worldvision.com.au/famine.cgi?a=SPONSOR_&pn=670886522

I met Grace while going through infertility the first time, she's part of the reason Lauren's middle name is Grace. She's the most caring incredible person, you'd all love her. Thanks for helping! It always makes me feel good when I think I've reached out beyond our borders and helped those in such desperate need.

LOVE YA ALL!!!!

Home from being Home

Well our trip to Vegas was a good one...too good? I don't know, as we were landing in Las Vegas I got the most overwhelming feeling of "home". Suddenly this desert landscape I have looked at for over 20 years was more beautiful than ever. The tall palm trees, the bright blue sky, the unmistakable mountains, they all welcomed me back and it felt wonderful! The heat didn't really bother me either, which made me feel proud, like I still fit in there. I loved knowing where I was at, and where everything was in relation to me. Vegas felt smaller to me than it ever has, I guess here we do a lot of driving to get places. I called Ryan and asked him if we should think about moving back, he said NO, but he has thought about it, who knows, maybe someday. There are still a lot of cons to living in Vegas for us, and now that I am back here, it feels really good to be here too, so confusing! As I was flying back I had the thought that I just need to trust the Lord and live where he puts us. We are supposed to be here now, I really feel that, we'll just follow His lead and we can't go wrong then right? I want to concentrate now on being happy in the moment, being content with what I have. We know it is the adversary's plan to make us feel discontent and unhappy- I won't be a part of that. I of course am going to have moments, but for the most part it is about being happy where your family is and WHO your family is. We are a family of four living in Castle Rock, how could I be anything but grateful and happy with that.

We had a good time with Grandma Peanut! We went to M&M World, swimming, and out to eat. She and Julia went to a movie and had fun together.
It was really really great to be with friends! I was so glad to be with Holly!!! She'd just had her baby, but he's been in the NICU at Summerlin, but he's a strong little guy and is doing better and better. She's really shown me a mother's love and incredible strength during a trial that lends no control. Julia played a lot with Jaron. They played dinosaur and it is so funny to see the differences! Jaron plays like you would imagine a boy would play dinosaur, Julia on the other hand had them in families and covered them with a blanket for a nap. GIRLS!
It was fun as always to hang out with Michelle and her kids! I am always so relaxed at her house, probably because it feels like a vacation there! Avry and Jules are just the best of friends, it is PRECIOUS! They were playing dress up and baby dolls. Julia implemented a run away from Bryton game- poor kid, he's probably glad Julia doesn't live near by!

Finally I saw Dr. Swainston and it was such a great visit. Basically I am a medical mystery. He is completely dumbfounded on how I am producing milk while being totally postmenopausal. He consulted the specialist I saw last time and she agrees that there are no explanations for how my body does these miracles. I LOVE IT! It gives me so much hope. I think maybe my heart is stronger than my hormones, and I love motherhood and all that it is so much NOTHING is going to stop me from being a mom. That is not at all to diminish the obvious hand of the Lord in all this. He is who has given me my Lauren Grace and He is who has made my body work. There is nothing He can't or won't do for us, for that I am sure and so so grateful. The doctors want me to try high doses of estrogen again, its all they can think of trying, I will in December, I don't want to stop nursing Lauren, for something that may not work, more than anything I know a baby will come when the Lord decides, with that faith and trust I don't feel such pressure and anxiety to rush and do things right away. Also I am just so happy that I have two little girls, I am not going to set them aside and focus on something that might not be meant to be.

There is a real peace to me today. I am happy. I have Las Vegas in my heart and memories, and if needs be just an hour and a half plane flight away. I have my family and friends, maybe not down the street, but they're there on the phone and definitely in my heart. Right now I have Ryan, who I can't live without, my girls who I positively can't live without, and we live in such a beautiful, fun, wholesome place that provides a lot of comfort and promise that this moment of peace feels blissful.

Bad Bad Week

So to top off this week I got a speeding ticket yesterday- luckily my girls were both asleep so I could avoid the "WHY?" question a hundred times from Julia. The answer would be I was going 35 in a 25 construction zone! BUGGAR! Are you kidding me? Let me at least EARN a ticket! I went berserk at home and destroyed a cantaloupe. I had it from top to bottom, kitchen to living room, it felt sooooo great afterwards! Cleaning it up wasn't so much fun. Ummm, does this rage remind you of a time gone by? Say last time the POF was in full force? My hormones make me CRAZY! Luckily again the girls were still asleep in the car so I did this and cleaned it up all before they awoke. Lovely!

Anyway here are some pictures from my last blog- I don't know why they wouldn't go on that one. This thing is funny sometimes!

Lauren and her new friend! SOOOO CUTE!

Julia at ballet

Sooo much to love

It's been two days now with no crying- yay! Tuesday Julia had a dance class, ohmygoodness! Soooo adorable!!! I loved every second of it, watching her and holding Lauren, I couldn't help think I was the luckiest mom in the world at that moment! Julia's little chubby legs sticking out of that ballerina outfit, oh yeah and her white underwear poking out the left side of her bum was too funny! She was a ball of energy from the moment we got in the room, she couldn't stand still while waiting for her teacher to get the music and roll ready. She'd get close to the other girls and smile so big, like "this is so exciting right?" She was the only one that would yell out the answers to the teachers questions and it was cute cute cute! The teacher asked, "What does a crocodile look like?" And after a couple seconds of silence Julia says, "this!" and made a big chomping noise and expression. We all laughed. They were to tiptoe across the room and then do it backwards, both times Julia booked it, she HAS to be first, (I sense trouble with that in the future). She is definitely our little dancer, unfortunately I think she's got her mom's flexibility and coordination, which at three years old is very funny, not so much as you get older. Maybe the lessons will help with that, I remember I was in ballet lessons and quit, I couldn't put my head on my knee and that was enough for me- even at a young age I guess I couldn't handle my limitations.
Last night we babysat for my new Colorado best friend, Rebecca, she has a little boy just 3 weeks younger than Lauren, it was a lot of fun. We told Julia she was the babysitter which cracked her up! She was way excited though and was an even bigger help than usual, she's got the mommy gene in her BIG time! So adorable! Lauren was a typical Adam's woman, aggressive and totally controlling, made my heart swell. haha She really liked having a little playmate, was touching him and watching him and wanting him to share his toys.
Now this morning I opened the scriptures and feel so much gratitude for them and the fact that I know Heavenly Father is aware of me. I opened up to Ether12, EXACTLY I mean EXACTLY what I need to hear! A couple verses that jumped out were, 6) "...faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." I know this is true, I now have to dispute not because I see not. I WILL have faith and I will see this trial through. 12) "For if there be no faith among the children of men God can do no miracle among them; wherefore, he showed not himself until after their faith" I have to believe He will give me another miracle, I will keep the faith and hope for another babe to love, another miracle to testify of His grace, mercy, and promises. 27) "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." I love this. My weakness is being shown unto me, I will be humble, and strive to learn the Lord's will through this. I look forward to the day when my faith is strong enough to make my weak things become strong. It is just incredible to me, how these trials bring us so close to the Lord. It is humbling to know that all things are given from God, to know I mustn't ever forget that. I have thanked him everyday for Lauren, EVERYDAY I have been eternally grateful for her beautiful life and that I get to be her mom. But I think in the past few months I may have thought maybe my body wasn't in as bad of shape as we thought, maybe there was a medical explanation for how she got here. I now see clearer than ever, NO, she is here only by the grace of God. I am even more grateful because of this understanding, it is the most humbling feeling to be sooooo indebted to the Lord, to know He loves me enough or as much as to to give me another opportunity to raise one of his children. I need to be ever mindful of having charity in my heart and be about His work. And I have faith that after this trial I may receive yet another opportunity to bear a child. That's where I am at on this journey.

It's Back...

Wasn't going to blog this, but I need some kind of outlet, I need support, I need prayers. I had my blood drawn to check where my hormone levels are and they came back worse than before I had Lauren. I thought I would be able to handle it better this time, I was wrong. I am so sad, I don't want to be but I am. On top of the hormones an amnio acid was high (alkaline phosphatase), which the nurse who gave me these results knew nothing about, but I have researched and it seems that menopausal women tend to have high alkaline phosphatase because its a sign of oncoming osteoporosis. OH MY GOSH! This I think put me over the edge, it makes this so real, my body really is quitting and I HATE IT! I feel like Im dying, I know Im not, but it is so scary to feel like your body is 30 years older than it SHOULD be!
Then I think of the babies that will never be and I can't hardly catch my breath. My babies, my loves, the joy of my life and life of our family, its just too too hard. WHY!!!!!! I get mad and sad and I can't even explain how it feels. I just ball when I hold Lauren, I can't believe she made it here, I am so so so grateful. Holding her calms me down, but then I just think she's getting bigger everyday and she my last baby and I just break down.
I try and think I have to have faith, but it feels different this time, more real, like I have to accept it this time, but I DON'T WANT TO!!! But I want to be healthy, I want to be strong for my girls. This is such a horrible confusing things, my mind can go ten different directions in 30 seconds. I have to be positive and faithful, I know I can, I just have to quit thinking about it. I wonder though if accepting it is quitting hoping?
I went back to the retreat website I went to before Lauren, it reminds me of the diet restrictions, herbs, and accupunture. Maybe I went through that so this time around I can go that route and avoid the hormones they're going to want to give me. The diet freaking SUCKS, but I would do anything to make this body a healthy vessel to bring more children to our family. What a trial. I once heard everyone has a trial like Abraham (when he was told to sacrifice Isaac), this had better be mine, because this is so hard for me. Other than being told I had a real disease and I was going to die, this is probably the worse thing that could happen to me; having babies is just the one thing in the world I love so much, and to have it taken away while being in a world of perpetual pregnant women is excrutiating.
But lets leave on a positive note- I have my girls, my husband, and a wonderful life. Perhaps the Lord has something more in store, I have to believe He knows what's to come. I am going to try not to fear, try not to dwell, and try to go back to normal. I have two of the most precious angels true, really really true miracles to love and play with, make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for, and get sprayed with baby food by. I am blessed, I have been given so much more than others. I guess that's why I think this time is it, the Lord gave me Lauren and I know I can live with only two, when it was only Julia I knew I couldn't have endured that. It's just so hard to know that I am done. Well not quite the positive ending I was going for, I think unfortunately it's going to take awhile to get through this.