Home from being Home

Well our trip to Vegas was a good one...too good? I don't know, as we were landing in Las Vegas I got the most overwhelming feeling of "home". Suddenly this desert landscape I have looked at for over 20 years was more beautiful than ever. The tall palm trees, the bright blue sky, the unmistakable mountains, they all welcomed me back and it felt wonderful! The heat didn't really bother me either, which made me feel proud, like I still fit in there. I loved knowing where I was at, and where everything was in relation to me. Vegas felt smaller to me than it ever has, I guess here we do a lot of driving to get places. I called Ryan and asked him if we should think about moving back, he said NO, but he has thought about it, who knows, maybe someday. There are still a lot of cons to living in Vegas for us, and now that I am back here, it feels really good to be here too, so confusing! As I was flying back I had the thought that I just need to trust the Lord and live where he puts us. We are supposed to be here now, I really feel that, we'll just follow His lead and we can't go wrong then right? I want to concentrate now on being happy in the moment, being content with what I have. We know it is the adversary's plan to make us feel discontent and unhappy- I won't be a part of that. I of course am going to have moments, but for the most part it is about being happy where your family is and WHO your family is. We are a family of four living in Castle Rock, how could I be anything but grateful and happy with that.

We had a good time with Grandma Peanut! We went to M&M World, swimming, and out to eat. She and Julia went to a movie and had fun together.
It was really really great to be with friends! I was so glad to be with Holly!!! She'd just had her baby, but he's been in the NICU at Summerlin, but he's a strong little guy and is doing better and better. She's really shown me a mother's love and incredible strength during a trial that lends no control. Julia played a lot with Jaron. They played dinosaur and it is so funny to see the differences! Jaron plays like you would imagine a boy would play dinosaur, Julia on the other hand had them in families and covered them with a blanket for a nap. GIRLS!
It was fun as always to hang out with Michelle and her kids! I am always so relaxed at her house, probably because it feels like a vacation there! Avry and Jules are just the best of friends, it is PRECIOUS! They were playing dress up and baby dolls. Julia implemented a run away from Bryton game- poor kid, he's probably glad Julia doesn't live near by!

Finally I saw Dr. Swainston and it was such a great visit. Basically I am a medical mystery. He is completely dumbfounded on how I am producing milk while being totally postmenopausal. He consulted the specialist I saw last time and she agrees that there are no explanations for how my body does these miracles. I LOVE IT! It gives me so much hope. I think maybe my heart is stronger than my hormones, and I love motherhood and all that it is so much NOTHING is going to stop me from being a mom. That is not at all to diminish the obvious hand of the Lord in all this. He is who has given me my Lauren Grace and He is who has made my body work. There is nothing He can't or won't do for us, for that I am sure and so so grateful. The doctors want me to try high doses of estrogen again, its all they can think of trying, I will in December, I don't want to stop nursing Lauren, for something that may not work, more than anything I know a baby will come when the Lord decides, with that faith and trust I don't feel such pressure and anxiety to rush and do things right away. Also I am just so happy that I have two little girls, I am not going to set them aside and focus on something that might not be meant to be.

There is a real peace to me today. I am happy. I have Las Vegas in my heart and memories, and if needs be just an hour and a half plane flight away. I have my family and friends, maybe not down the street, but they're there on the phone and definitely in my heart. Right now I have Ryan, who I can't live without, my girls who I positively can't live without, and we live in such a beautiful, fun, wholesome place that provides a lot of comfort and promise that this moment of peace feels blissful.