It's Back...

Wasn't going to blog this, but I need some kind of outlet, I need support, I need prayers. I had my blood drawn to check where my hormone levels are and they came back worse than before I had Lauren. I thought I would be able to handle it better this time, I was wrong. I am so sad, I don't want to be but I am. On top of the hormones an amnio acid was high (alkaline phosphatase), which the nurse who gave me these results knew nothing about, but I have researched and it seems that menopausal women tend to have high alkaline phosphatase because its a sign of oncoming osteoporosis. OH MY GOSH! This I think put me over the edge, it makes this so real, my body really is quitting and I HATE IT! I feel like Im dying, I know Im not, but it is so scary to feel like your body is 30 years older than it SHOULD be!
Then I think of the babies that will never be and I can't hardly catch my breath. My babies, my loves, the joy of my life and life of our family, its just too too hard. WHY!!!!!! I get mad and sad and I can't even explain how it feels. I just ball when I hold Lauren, I can't believe she made it here, I am so so so grateful. Holding her calms me down, but then I just think she's getting bigger everyday and she my last baby and I just break down.
I try and think I have to have faith, but it feels different this time, more real, like I have to accept it this time, but I DON'T WANT TO!!! But I want to be healthy, I want to be strong for my girls. This is such a horrible confusing things, my mind can go ten different directions in 30 seconds. I have to be positive and faithful, I know I can, I just have to quit thinking about it. I wonder though if accepting it is quitting hoping?
I went back to the retreat website I went to before Lauren, it reminds me of the diet restrictions, herbs, and accupunture. Maybe I went through that so this time around I can go that route and avoid the hormones they're going to want to give me. The diet freaking SUCKS, but I would do anything to make this body a healthy vessel to bring more children to our family. What a trial. I once heard everyone has a trial like Abraham (when he was told to sacrifice Isaac), this had better be mine, because this is so hard for me. Other than being told I had a real disease and I was going to die, this is probably the worse thing that could happen to me; having babies is just the one thing in the world I love so much, and to have it taken away while being in a world of perpetual pregnant women is excrutiating.
But lets leave on a positive note- I have my girls, my husband, and a wonderful life. Perhaps the Lord has something more in store, I have to believe He knows what's to come. I am going to try not to fear, try not to dwell, and try to go back to normal. I have two of the most precious angels true, really really true miracles to love and play with, make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for, and get sprayed with baby food by. I am blessed, I have been given so much more than others. I guess that's why I think this time is it, the Lord gave me Lauren and I know I can live with only two, when it was only Julia I knew I couldn't have endured that. It's just so hard to know that I am done. Well not quite the positive ending I was going for, I think unfortunately it's going to take awhile to get through this.