Life is HARD (slightly explicit)

So went to a new reproductive endocrinologist today...yeah I still have POF. I think in my heart of hearts I cannot accept that. It is just so unfair, but anyway. The doc was way way way cool, the first thing he said to me was,"so you have a miracle baby?" He had my heart from there. He wants me to take the high doses of estrogen again and see what happens. Ryan's at Home Depot right now buying supplies to repair the house for the inevitable damage my hormones will cause. Lauren is at the brunt of this decision...breastfeeding must come to an end. She is crying so hard in her crib tight now, poor thing, she NEVER goes to bed with out being "topped off". I am major sad for her, it breaks my heart. I want her to have middle child syndrome though, so I guess it begins with cold turkeying the boob juice. (In the midst of my tears that sentence really made me laugh.) Life is hard, I want babies and I don't want to be nuts over each one before they even exists, I don't want to feel like a sick person even though my body is all jacked, I want to be grateful for what I have and that be enough, I want to go hold Lauren and whip my boob out and make everything ok. Life is hard.